


it's not you, baby (it's me)

by heecheondo (HChnD)



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Break Up, Drabble, Kinda, Light Angst, M/M, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 18:20:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20214184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HChnD/pseuds/heecheondo
Summary: breakups are never easy, even when it's for the best, when love is already completely dead and there is nothing else to do.





	it's not you, baby (it's me)

it was cold. it was raining outside, the place's heater apparently broke and he accidentally forgot to properly cover himself. even so, juyeon's palms were sweating and he felt hot. he was nervous, anxious even. 

he knew what he was about to do would not be easy. it was never easy to end a relationship, no matter how long it has been or how close both parties still were. but he was certain of what he would do, what he _had_ to do. it was good while it lasted, juyeon gave all of himself, as much as he could, and changmin was lovely to be with. he was easy to love, to gain love from.

but he couldn't do it anymore. he couldn't love him anymore, not in that way. he was great and all, he deserved the world, but juyeon was not for changmin. he was not the person for him. they didn't match like that.

he had to do it. had to end it all.

"changmin", he said after a long, unnecessarily long period of silence. his sweaty hands were holding a hot chocolate cup, which only made him feel even hotter. "i think we should break up."

the younger looked down from his own drink, his cup being put down in a slow movement. he was clearly taken aback. "what?"

"i think we should break up", juyeon repeated as he faked calmness. but, inside, he wanted to just blurt it out and run away. "i don't think i love you, not like a boyfriend."

"oh", he reacted out loud. his figure was stiffening, the taller noticed, and it made himself uncomfortable. he knew he had ruined changmin's day, maybe even week, and that thought made him mad at himself. but he knew he'd hate it more if he prolonged this, if he kept on lying for them both. this was necessary. "why?", his soon to be ex suddenly asked, voice now weak. damn, was he tearing up? god, he hated this. he didn't want this. 

juyeon wished it was easier.

he sighed. "don't get me wrong, you didn't do anything. it's all on me."

"what do you mean?"

"i just", he sighed a second time. he hated cliches, but... "it's not you. it's me. i can't do this anymore. i feel hunted? trapped? i like being with you, going out with you and all of that... but it's also not really what i want. i think i need time for myself, need to be more by myself. i pressure myself too much to do things in a way you will like while ignoring what i would like."

changmin frowned. "and it's not on me?"

"n-- no! please don't blame yourself."

"kinda hard not to", he scoffed.

"changmin...", the older of the two went to hold his hand across the table but it ran away from him. he bit the inside of his cheeks, looking into his eyes, but changmin didn't try to look at his direction. "it is not your fault. we just want different things. you are a great person and deserve someone to love you and to love all of your details. someone who will be on the same page as you and have the same plans as you do and you will be happy. but it won't be with me. i don't have the same plans and it makes me feel uneasy that our interests and thoughts are so far away. and it's not your fault that i prioritize you over myself. it's just how i am, and i think it got out of hand. and i can't do this anymore."

the other kept ignoring his eyes, staring at his drink instead. he was fighting his own tears, refusing to let them free. juyeon knew it for sure, he knew him enough to tell apart his quirks. "since when?"

"...what do you mean?"

"since when have you felt like this?", he finally stared at his eyes, face full of sadness. "why haven't you told me before? we could have talked it out properly."

juyeon gulped down. well, he had a point and he hated to admit it. but it was because he was afraid to hurt his feelings, or to end up fighting with him and then cutting it off on bad terms. he had his reasons. "it's... not as recent, but it hasn't been too long either. it took me a while to notice i felt off."

"and why you didn't tell me once you realized?"

"i didn't want to--", he paused himself. "i wasn't sure of why i wasn't happy. i mean, i should? we have a perfect relationship, i was afraid to ruin it for the wrong reasons. and when it all become clear i couldn't just talk and pretend it would still be okay to keep together."

"...okay", changmin whispered to himself. "okay. fine. that is fine."

"changmin..."

"no, juyeon, stop. it is fine", he forced a smile. "you don't love me, that's it. i can't force you to stay together with me if it makes you unhappy. that'd be selfish of me."

"i'm sorry."

"don't be", he quickly said. "there are no motives for you to be. it happens."

"but you're hurt."

at that, changmin left a laugh that sounded quite too sad to be an actual laugh. "i guess i'd end up being hurt anyway. and you too."

juyeon wanted to refute, say that even if he did get hurt it was nothing compared to the smaller one. but he gave up on the words midsentence, noticing that indeed it hurt. his chest somehow hurt. "i'll be fine."

he nodded. "we both will. and we'll remain friends, right? i know that now i know most of your little habits i wish i didn't know of, but we can go back to what we used to be. right?"

there was no need for thoughts. "of course", he smiled at his now ex-boyfriend, who was trying his best to smile back. it felt relieving to finally be over with it, but it still felt so uneasy.

he knew it was for the best. he knew he didn't love him like that, that they weren't made for one another, that it would be worse for both of them if he kept lying and stayed with the younger. but it still made him ache. the way changmin looked at him, the way he left without any other word, the feeling of the reached end sinking in. it was relieving but it still made him suffer. he knew it would be like that.

but, in the end, breakups were never easy to deal with. even if it was peaceful, even if it was needed, the feeling of something dying, ending, and to no longer be with someone you cheshired for so long was a pain he hated and couldn't bear. 


End file.
